I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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