I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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