I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
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you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
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I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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