If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
