Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
