i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
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I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
All the doctor said was why
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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