New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
