My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my shit smells like andre
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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