Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
