I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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