She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
