i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Pants are for mortals
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
