Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She even gives head with a lisp.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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