just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
