How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
