I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
