I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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