The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
