We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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