I'm so fucking centered right now
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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