Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
