I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
