I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
