Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
