This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
