the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
