you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
