there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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