Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
