exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize