Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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