well I can't set my house on fire every night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
