I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
