Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
