So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
