smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
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She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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