Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.