I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?