We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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