You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
