im six kinds of drunk right now
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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