i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
