You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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