I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
