OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
