Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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