my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
