Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
