i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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