everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
