so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Watching her eat just hurts me
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
