Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
