Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
